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The Illustrated Works of Shakespeare
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Illustrated Works of Shakespeare, The (1990)(Animated Pixels)[!][CDTV-PC].iso
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1991-04-10
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The Grecian Camp. Before Achilles' Tent.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
Achilles I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
Which with my scimitar I'll cool tomorrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
Enter THERSITES.
Patroclus Here comes Thersites.
Achilles How now, thou core of envy!
Thou crusty botch of nature, what's the news?
Thersites Why, thou picture of what thou seem'st, and idol of idiot-
worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
Achilles From whence, fragment?
Thersites Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
Patroclus Who keeps the tent now?
Thersites The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
Patroclus Well said, adversity! And what need these tricks?
Thersites Prithee be silent, boy, I profit not by thy talk; thou art
thought to be Achilles' male varlet.
Patroclus Male varlet, you rogue? What's that?
Thersites Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the
south, guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o'gravel
i'th' back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten
livers, whissing lungs, bladders full of impostume,
sciaticas, limekilns i'th' palm, incurable bone-ache, and
the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again
such preposterous discoveries!
Patroclus Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what mean'st thou to
curse thus?
Thersites Do I curse thee?
Patroclus Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable
cur.
Thersites No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein
of sleave silk, thou green sarsenet flap for a sore eye,
thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah, how the poor
world is pestered with such water-flies, diminutives of
nature!
Patroclus Out, gall!
Thersites Finch egg!
Achilles My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in tomorrow's battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honour, or go or stay-
My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus!
[Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.
Thersites With too much blood and too little brain these two may run
mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood they
do, I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest
fellow enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so
much brain as earwax; and the goodly transformation of
Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the primitive statue
and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in
a chain hanging at his brother's leg - to what form but that
he is should wit larded with malice and malice forced with
wit turn him to? To an ass were nothing: he is both ass and
ox; to an ox were nothing: he is both ox and ass. To be a
dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a
puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but
to be Menelaus I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not
what I would be if I were not Thersites, for I care not to
be the louse of a lazar so I were not Menelaus. Hoyday!
Spirits and fires!
Enter HECTOR, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, TROILUS,
MENELAUS, DIOMEDES, with lights.
Agamemnon We go wrong, we go wrong.
Ajax No, yonder 'tis;
There, where we see the lights.
Hector I trouble you.
Ajax No, not a whit.
Enter ACHILLES.
Ulysses Here comes himself to guide you.
Achilles Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
Agamemnon So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
Hector Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.
Menelaus Good night, my lord.
Hector Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
Thersites [Aside.] Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth a'? - sweet sink,
sweet sewer.
Achilles Good night and welcome both at once, to those
That go or tarry.
Agamemnon Good night.
[Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS.
Achilles Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
Diomedes I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
Hector Give me your hand.
Ulysses [Aside to TROILUS.]
Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas' tent;
I'll keep you company.
Troilus [Aside to ULYSSES.] Sweet sir, you honour me.
Hector And so good night.
[Exit DIOMEDES; followed by
ULYSSES and TROILUS.
Achilles Come, come, enter my tent.
[Exeunt all but THERSITES.
Thersites That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust
knave. I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a
serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise,
like Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers
foretell it that it is prodigious, there will come some
change. The sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his
word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him.
They say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor
Calchas his tent. I'll after. - Nothing but lechery! All
incontinent varlets!
[Exit.